3 Reasons Why Relationships Fail & The Benefit of Relationship Coaching

We have all heard the statics about 50% of all marriages end in divorce and the question we ask ourselves is “why?” Why if more people today are spending time dating, living together and really getting to know each other is the divorce rate at an all-time high?

When we see an older couple that have been married for over 30 years we wonder how have they stayed together all those years and what is their secret? Most likely prior to getting married they never lived together nor did they have a 2-year courtship before getting engaged. They probably did not wait another 2 years before getting married. Then why are marriages today not lasting when people are taking their time trying to find a suitable partner? There are a few things that are happening today that are different from years ago.

#1 Perfection

Most people go into relationships excepting everything to be amazing all the time and the first sign of anything that does not mirror a “perfect” relationship people often give up.  We have become a society that will work 50 hours a week, want our own personal time and space but never consciously put in time and effort to nurture our relationships. Just like everything else in our lives you must water your own grass in order for it to grow.

Most people struggle to accept that their partner is not them. They do not understand that their partner will have different opinions, thoughts and feelings. I think a lot of people want an easy fairy-tale relationship and while a healthy relationship should never be too much work the reality is all relationships require work. Life has challenges, transitions and in order to have a happy and successful marriage both people must be committed to the process rather than one person doing all of the work to keep the relationship alive.

#2 Lack of Self-Love

This is a huge factor when creating a healthy relationship. This is where you initially show the person you are dating your standards for being with you. How you love yourself has everything to do with who you will attract into your life. If you do not respect yourself, you will attract a partner that does not respect you. If you do not set boundaries with people then you will attract people that will take advantage of you.

Having standards and setting healthy boundaries is important for any relationship, not just a romantic one. When you set standards you will automatically wean out the people that are not right for you. If someone does not treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated then it is time to walk away from the relationship. Most people do not leave because of fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of never finding someone that is right for them because they do not believe such a person exists. They do not believe they are enough so instead they take whoever shows up in their life for fear of being alone.

They do not want to take responsibility for their own happiness but instead are searching for someone to make them feel loved, adored and valued. They put their happiness in someone else’s hands. Only when you truly love yourself and know your value will you attract a healthy partner, relationship and marriage.

#3 Expectations

This one in my opinion is the final straw as to whether a marriage will last or end. Most people go into a relationship with an expectation on how they want the other person to be in the relationship. They do not fully accept their partner for who they are but rather try to change and mold them into who they think they should be. That is not unconditional love that is conditional love. Someone is putting a condition on the love that they give you based on how you behave and what you give them. True love is about pure acceptance.

I use to have a friend and at the time she was getting married and I remember asking her if she believed in unconditional love in marriages… her answer was “no.” She went on to say that unconditional love was for her children and not her marriage. The thought puzzled me for a while because I had always viewed marriage as allowing each person to be who they are and appreciating them for what they bring to the table. I think until you meet the right person you do not understand what it feels like to be completely at peace with someone and know that regardless of the silly things they do that get under your skin or the stupid fights you may get into that you love them unconditionally and would never want to change them.

I think when you become healthy you fully accept people for who they are because you fully accept yourself..flaws and all. You do not judge another nor do you want them to change who they instinctively are because you honor and respect your differences. When you are healthy and begin dating you walk into each experience with a certain curiosity. You are curious about learning who the other person is on another level that you have never done before. You know that it is more than a feeling to love someone but more importantly a conscious choice. You do not let your emotions take over and cloud your judgement on who someone is after they have repeatedly shown you their true colors. You know you deserve a healthy stable partner and you will not take anything less.

RELATIONSHIP COACHING

I spoke to a great Relationship Coach once who said before each phase in her marriage she would go to counseling with her husband to reestablish their marriage “agreement.” They would discuss what the next phase of life would bring, what each of their responsibilities would be and laid out what their expectations were for their marriage and life. They would compromise and negotiation on the new standards in their marriage and go back to life with a fresh set of eyes on entering the next stage of life.

As I sat there I thought “what an amazing idea!” How great would it be if every couple did this from the very moment they decide to marry, to buying their first home, to having children, to finances, to romance, etc.

When you marry you enter into an agreement and over time that agreement has to be modified based on where you are in your marriage and in life. I think coming together and not only communicating but compromising are two aspects that will undoubtedly lead to a successful and happy marriage. It is when one or both people no longer want to compromise nor communicate that marriages fail.

The partner you pick is one of the few people in your life that you get to choose. We do not get to choose our parents, family or children but we choose who to love in a partner. Just like our children, parents, friends that you have had for most of your life, you may not always like them but you always respect, communicate, love and compromise with them. You would never give up on them so why would you give up on your partner?

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About Stephanie

Stephanie coaches her clients that have recently gone through a divorce or ended a relationship. She teaches them the process of healing.

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