Why We Self Sabotage Ourselves in Relationships


There are many reasons why we self-sabotage ourselves in life. We do it in our careers, in our relationships, and with our own personal health. Our sabotaging behavior lives within our subconscious where all of our fears and limiting beliefs live.

This week we are going to discuss why we sabotage ourselves in relationships and how we can overcome this so it does not interfere with our happiness. No matter what you have gone through in life, we all have dreams. Things we want to accomplish or have in our life.

Our dreams and goals can create momentum where we want to take action towards getting where we want to be. We know what we want and are deserving of it that we are able to push through any fear that shows up and keep pulling through. 

The other side is that we get close to our dreams and desires but instead of excitement and momentum, it scares us so much that we disrupt something good by allowing our fears to take over.  

Here are some ways we sabotage ourselves in relationships and how we can overcome and heal ourselves. 


There are many ways we can sabotage a relationship. Overthinking is a clear indicator of a self-sabotaging tactic you will use to avoid pain. By overthinking we assume that if we play out all scenarios in our minds, we can pick the perfect solution that will cause us the most pleasure and least amount of hurt and discomfort. That is not true. 
What ends up happening is your overthinking creates scenarios that do not even exist which creates more fear, which prevents you from taking actions towards getting where you want to be. 

If you are prone to overthinking then you may begin obsessively thinking about random things having to do with your partner. This fear-based obsessive thought will cause you to unconsciously not want to be around them. You will begin doing things to get away from this person because you are scared and fearful. This fear thought convinced you that you are in danger and you believed it.

Now before we get started I want to decipher the difference between your INTUITION VS. YOUR EGO (FEAR THOUGHTS).

I am sure most of you are thinking “when do I know if this is fear or my gut telling me something.”

Your fears come with a story attached to it. Usually, that story is based on a past experienced.

If you have been burned, left or abandoned then you will tell yourself a story about relationships and love. Fear-based ego thoughts want to keep you safe so they will sound very convincing and that is why people often struggle between knowing the difference between intuition vs. fear. 

Fear and insecurity thoughts will give you a fight or flight response. You will immediately want to do something quickly to remove yourself from this situation to relieve your anxiety. 

Intuition is more of knowing something is off. This knowing is not about you, it is about the other person. You do not compare this person or situation to any in the past you just have a calm knowing that this may not be right for you. 

When you think about this person or thing you actually feel excited but you may still have fears there. You feel you would love to do this thing and want to move forward but the stories you are telling yourself are keeping you stuck. 

Whereas fear-based ego thoughts you feel dread to do something. It is bringing out that flight or fight response in you and you feel contracted like you want to escape somehow. 


When you have unhealed wounds and you begin getting too close in your relationship your fears will take over. Your ego wants to keep you stuck because it equates love with pain so it will do a few things to keep you away from this person or relationship.


Picking a fight is a clear indicator that something else is wrong. When a fight happens, a little pebble of an issue now blows up into a huge ordeal because there is actually an underlying issue going on. Most people are not even aware of what the issue is, they just think it is about their partner. The fighting and bickering continues because they are not going deep to find where their own fears live and healing them. 

When you take responsibility for your life and your happiness, you do the inner work.


This is a fear based tactic where someone begins picking away at their partner. They have a weird toe, the ears are too big, she chews her food funny. We become obsessed with these strange things and this is our way of pushing this person away. Again, these are fear-based tactics to convince ourselves to run in the other direction. 


This is where for no reason at all you begin to want to get away from this person. Nothing has happened between the two of you, there are no red flags but the fear of your relationship evolving has scared you to the point of you wanting to get away from them. You may want to start hanging out with your friends more to “get away.”

You may begin diving into work or other activities vs. putting in the time and effort to nurture your relationship. 

This usually happens after you have picked away at your partner or begun giving yourself all the reasons why this relationship will not work. 

Accept you have fear and this fear is inside you not in the other person. As long as you know what you want. So when you do these things, just know this is your ego getting ready to sabotage you in your relationship.

Once you recognize this when it happens you can parent yourself through it. Just like any other fear you have to work through it. You have to push yourself through it because once you get past the fear you have what you actually wanted. 


What fears do you have inside? Fear of the same thing happening to you that happened in your life relationship. Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. 

Many of our fears of intimacy might have small parts to do with our past relationships but the root of this fear most likely came in childhood. Your last relationship didn’t create the fear it caused the assumptions and limiting beliefs you now have about love but the root of the fear and wound came from childhood. 

If you were loved conditional, if you had unhealthy childhood attachments growing up and now possibly suffer from severe insecurities or codependency then you will unconsciously link love with pain and you will run. 

When you ask yourself what you are afraid of you can then talk yourself through the fear. Fears are often not real they are just unconscious programming to help you stay safe because of that association with love and pain. 

It is always best to know where your wounds are and talk about them with your partner. This will give you a chance to see if this person is able to sit in a space for you and talk you through these fears to help you feel safe. Your partner is not responsible for consistently proving themselves to you but this is a great way to build a connection between the two of you and build the foundation in your relationship so it can grow stronger. 

No matter what you go through in life you will get through it. Just live life fearlessly and you will get closer to what you actually want or you can sit back and let this short life pass you by with you never really going for what you wanted. 

Watch this week’s video below to learn more! 

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About Stephanie

Stephanie coaches her clients that have recently gone through a divorce or ended a relationship. She teaches them the process of healing.

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