#1 You’re Doing that Keeps you Picking the WRONG parnter
Jun 21, 2024
I wish someone would have sat me down years ago and was able to pinpoint the number one thing that I was doing which was allowing me to keep picking the wrong people to stay in my life. Notice how I didn't say attract. We will attract narcissists and unhealthy toxic people that is just a part of life. Picking someone is a decision that you make. I couldn't control who I attracted but I could control who I picked.
I didn't realize that there was really only one thing that was causing me to pick the wrong people whether that was friends or romantic partners. Let's go even further, this one thing was also a major influence in picking my life the things I had in it my job and the amount of money that I made.
Drum roll please……
- I was UNHEALED!
Talk about being completely oblivious to the fact that I was unhealed. I think most people have absolutely no idea what they're carrying around with them and don't even realize how it's affecting their life.
There were three major areas in my life that were under the category of being unhealed. The first one was I still had wounds. The second one was I had unhealthy attachment styles. The third was I had absolutely no idea how to take care of myself emotionally or mentally, we call this self-love.
WOUNDS
Wounds are experiences we go through that remain unhealed, often without us realizing their impact. Many people are not consciously avoiding healing; rather, they are unaware of what is healthy and unhealthy, as well as what steps to take after experiencing trauma. As children, we have no understanding of what we are going through, even if it is traumatic. This lack of awareness can leave a lasting impression on many aspects of our emotional and mental health. However, even as adults, we may not recognize that we have experienced trauma or understand the impact it has had on us, nor do we possess the tools to heal from it. Most of us go through life being reactive, not understanding how past experiences continue to affect us.
ATTACHMENT STYLES
Wounds can occur throughout our entire lives, but our attachment style is largely shaped during early childhood. This attachment style is influenced by the people and environment we were surrounded by as children. There are four primary attachment styles: secure attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and disorganized attachment.
- Secure Attachment
Secure attachment develops when a child experiences trust, good boundaries, and healthy emotional regulation from their caregivers. These children receive open and honest communication delivered thoughtfully and with care. As a result, they grow up feeling safe and supported, capable of forming healthy, trusting relationships as adults.
- Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment forms when a child’s relationships are marked by fear of abandonment, lack of boundaries, and extreme mood fluctuations within the household. This style can also result from being raised by overly accommodating caregivers who never required the child to regulate their own emotions because everything was always provided. Such individuals often grow up feeling insecure and dependent, constantly seeking validation and fearing rejection in their relationships.
- Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment is characterized by a fear of closeness and a tendency to withdraw from emotional connections. Individuals with this attachment style avoid conflict, maintain extreme independence, and are often unresponsive to their partner’s needs. They are highly logical with little emotional awareness. This attachment style typically develops in households where emotional health is neglected, emotions are suppressed, and everything is treated in a business-like manner, devoid of emotional support.
- Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized attachment arises when a child experiences a chaotic and inconsistent caregiving environment. These individuals find it challenging to self-regulate and struggle with trusting others. They may desire closeness and love but often disassociate and lack empathy. Relationships are difficult for them because they have not learned to form stable emotional connections.
SELF-LOVE
So, let’s unpack this and make it simple. Self-love includes a few things; self-awareness, emotional regulation (self-parenting), having clear and organized goals and thought processes. Since all of these things were not things, I was aware of was not doing I could not have changed the outcome of who I was picking. That is not a problem because now I know exactly what I should do to ensure I make better decisions going forward. That is what I want for you, it is not to shame yourself for what you’ve done in your life, but to learn from it and do better next time which is what you’re doing today.
