2 Ways You’re Trying to Save the Narcissist
Oct 07, 2024
When you're involved with a narcissist, it's not uncommon to feel a deep responsibility to "save" them, especially if you're a codependent or people pleaser. Narcissists thrive on relationships with individuals who fear confrontation, take on too much responsibility, and are willing to be everything for them. But trying to "save" a narcissist is a path fraught with frustration and disappointment. Here’s why your efforts might be in vain.
Understanding the Desire to Save a Narcissist
The urge to save a narcissist often comes from a place of empathy, codependency, and a lack of boundaries. These traits can make you feel like it's your duty to rescue them from their destructive behaviors or to change them into a better person. However, this mindset is usually rooted in the following factors:
- Empathy: People with high empathy often feel compelled to help others, even to their own detriment.
- Codependency: This tendency often stems from childhood, where you may have felt responsible for solving your parents’ problems.
- Lack of Boundaries: If you find yourself constantly trying to fix others, it’s a sign of poor boundaries. Healthy boundaries protect your well-being and ensure others respect you.
- Poor Self-Worth: Individuals with high self-worth know that fixing others isn’t their job. While empathy is valuable, it can be exploited by abusers if not tempered with self-respect.
When you try to "save" a narcissist, you’re either excusing their behavior or trying to force them to change. Here’s how these dynamics play out.
- Excusing Their Behavior (Rescuing Them)
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you might find yourself excusing their behavior because you love them and have an unhealthy view of love and loyalty. You focus on their positive traits and ignore the negative ones, hoping they’ll change over time. However, this tendency to excuse their behavior usually reflects your own issues with boundaries.
You may feel bad for them, seeing the pain or insecurity behind their actions, and you don’t want to hurt them further. But when an argument arises, instead of holding them accountable, you blame yourself. You might attribute their lashing out to something they’re going through, thinking they’ll change if they get past it. But this is where your boundaries—or lack thereof—come into play.
A healthy adult can acknowledge when they’ve lashed out and take responsibility. A narcissist, however, cannot. When you excuse their behavior, you’re ignoring your own needs and focusing solely on theirs, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
- Forcing Them to Look at Themselves (Changing Them)
In your efforts to "save" a narcissist, you might find yourself trying to force them to change. This could involve calling them out on their behavior, yelling, or dictating how you think they should act. However, without follow-through, boundaries are just empty words.
You’re essentially talking to a brick wall, as narcissists are rarely willing to self-reflect or change. They’re too focused on themselves and convinced that they’re not the problem. This can be incredibly exhausting for you, as you try to make them see what seems obvious: their behavior is harmful.
Some people try to use empathy to show the narcissist how their actions hurt others. But this often backfires, leaving you feeling hurt and frustrated when they show no remorse. Trying to teach a narcissist basic human decency, something they should have learned long ago, is a futile endeavor.
Even therapy can be a dead end. Many narcissists will either be inconsistent or refuse to see their faults. Over time, you’ll realize that no amount of counseling can change someone who doesn’t want to change.
The harsh reality is that you cannot change or save a narcissist. They are not going to change for you or anyone else. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can focus on saving yourself. Establish firm boundaries, prioritize your well-being, and let go of the need to fix someone who isn’t willing to take responsibility for their actions. By doing so, you free yourself from the exhausting and fruitless cycle of trying to save someone who cannot be saved.
