Biggest Mistakes People Make When Getting Over a Narcissist

breakups emotional abuse narcissist toxic relationships Jun 25, 2021

If you feel like you keep making mistakes when it comes to dealing with your narcissistic ex, chances are you are not alone. Emotional abuse can be one of the hardest things to recognize and get out of. We wait for the person to change or try to make sense of a situation that will never make sense. Educating yourself about this abuse is one of the best things you can do for yourself, and something everyone should be doing. 

7 Mistakes When Dealing With A Narcissist

Narcissists thrive off of control, manipulation, and fear. You should never give this person your power or allow them to take away more of yourself. What narcissists don’t like is seeing you take control over your life and be happy, they want to see you unhappy and dependent on them. It’s easy to revert back to old ways but once they are out of your life you will truly see the benefits that come your way by cutting out the toxicity. 


When breaking off a relationship with a narcissist, try to avoid these common mistakes. 


1. Leaving the door open for communication.

Oftentimes in these types of abusive relationships, we leave the door open for communication. Texts, phone calls, social media, emails, etc are all things that the abuser will slip into. Do not leave any room for communication and it is always best to block all ways for this person to contact you. Shut them out completely and don’t engage in their toxic behavior. The only exception to this rule is when you must co-parent with this person, when this happens it’s important to set boundaries and firmly stick to them. 


2. Giving yourself an unrealistic expectation of the healing process.

This is not a normal breakup, and you need to remind yourself of this. You’ll never be able to make sense of their behavior because it was not logical to begin with. Allow yourself to experience the healing process as it will be much different than a normal break up and that’s okay. Validate your feelings and learn to soothe your emotions, build that healthy connection with yourself to help you become whole again.


3. Not allowing yourself to grieve.

Grieve? Yes, grieve! You were with someone who constantly put up a facade and never let you see the real them. When you finally did unmask this person, what you experienced and saw was nothing short of traumatic. You possibly had a marriage with this person or envisioned it, had a partner to raise children with, and now that is gone. Feel your anger, confusion, and sadness and be in the moment but don’t dwell there. 


4. You end up judging yourself.

It can be easy to sit there and start beating yourself up for why you didn’t leave sooner or see who they were quicker. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that you were not equipped with the proper tools to go through what you went through. Instead of judging yourself for who you were in the relationship, learn from it and become better because of it. 


5. You start to become obsessed with your partner.

Perhaps this person has already moved on and found someone new. You begin to question why your ex partner is the way they are. What made them develop these narcissistic characteristics? Unfortunately, you will never have the answer to this. Don’t wait for this person to suddenly change their ways and come back to you because it will likely never happen. You may benefit from taking a social media or technology break. Whatever it is, don’t let someone who already took so much from you, continue to take what you’re working to rebuild. 


6. Self-blame 

When we go through narcissistic abuse it can be easy to start to blame ourselves. “Maybe if I wasn’t like this they wouldn’t have done that.” This is your way of trying to get a sense of control back into your life. You can’t rationalize what you went through and nothing you could’ve done would have made this person react differently. 


7. Taking everything this person did or still does, personally.

Their abusive behavior has nothing to do with you or who you are. Although it can feel like a personal attack, it is often because this person has issues internally to deal with. Find your self worth and strength to know that everything this person says and does is to see your reaction and to hurt you. Take notice of their behavior and see things for what they truly are, don’t let your internal wounds cloud your judgment. 


Healing From A Narcissistic Relationship


After seeing how narcissists manipulate and deceive people around them, it is clear that you will never get a black and white answer for why they did what they did. Ask yourself what you learned about who you are. Take the answer you find and develop it into lifelong skills that you can implement in your future relationships. Choose to focus on the right things, instead of ruminating in the negative. 


Healing from an abusive relationship is hard and emotional but not impossible, you can do it. Allow yourself to be in the moment with your feelings and don’t be scared to experience your pain. You are valid for how you feel, but what you choose to do after you process your feelings can take a negative stain on your life and make it into something productive. 


Life will never hand us things nicely and will continue to give us lessons that we must learn. Use this opportunity to focus on what you want in the future and start to learn how to take care of yourself, your triggers, and your boundaries. The best thing you can do for yourself is to learn your worth and identify the good things about who you are. Don’t be afraid to show the world and any future partners your authentic self. 


You will always create the life you want to live--the life of happiness.