Closure After Narcissistic Abuse

When a relationship ends, most people desire closure, but not narcissists. Leaving a narcissistic relationship means you will not get the closure you want or need. It is different from ending a healthy relationship. During a healthy relationship’s breakup, there is some guilt, mourning, and other feelings involved, and you want to give this relationship the respect it deserves. This will not be the case when a toxic, narcissistic relationship ends. It’s quite different when dealing with this type of personality.  

Something important to understand is you will not get the closure you want because this person is abusive and a taker. If they give you closure, that means the relationship is over, and they do not want that because then they cannot use you any longer. They feel if they give you closure, they cannot later love bomb you or come in and out of your life disrupting it. By not giving you the closure you want or need, it leaves the door open for them.  

If you are the one ending the relationship with a narcissist, it means you do not see this person the way they want you to. You are no longer a useful source of narcissistic supply for them, and you have seen them for who they really are. If you are the one being discarded, on some level you are no longer a thorough source of supply for one reason or another. Maybe you tried to keep this person accountable for their actions, and because of that you are no longer a good source of supply. This type of person cannot have a normal end of relationship conversation. 

Narcissists are very vindictive and childlike, so you will get backlash no matter which way this goes. When two mature people decide to end a relationship, it happens in a healthy way. But with a narcissist, it does not end in a healthy way because they want to punish you. By not giving you the closure you need to help you move on, they are holding some control. In their mind, that means that you are still thinking about them and they like that. Attention, regardless of good or bad, makes them feel important. They know you are thinking about them and what happened because you didn’t get the closure you needed to get from the end of this relationship. Because of the way they are acting, you may be reacting to them and that in itself boosts their ego. This person is empty with no sense of self and no confidence, so they also need constant validation.  

A lot of narcissists, especially the ones who end the relationship, need to create a story about why the relationship ended. The narcissist comes up with a smear campaign to make their decision to end the relationship look like the best decision to everyone they tell. They plant seeds to their family, friends, coworkers, anyone who will listen, that you are the one to blame for the relationship ending. If you react in a negative way to this person, you are feeding into the seeds being planted and you then become the character the narcissist painted you to be. This helps everyone to believe the narcissist is right. This is why it’s so important to not react negatively to anything this person does or says.  

It’s hurtful to not get the closure you deserve from someone you built a life with, or share children with, but when you are dealing with this type of mentally ill person, you must know you are not going to get that closure. The other reason you will not get closure is the lack of empathy the narcissist has. They cannot put themselves in anyone else’s shoes, so you will never get the closure you desire. It can be rough dealing with such a selfish person who wants to hurt you. They feel out of control and that is where the vindictive behavior comes into play.  

So how do we move on from such a toxic breakup without any closure? You must be able to give yourself self-love and acceptance. A lot of it is about grieving who you thought this person was and seeing them for who they are. The behavior you see is of someone who is mentally ill, insecure, and lacks empathy, and when you can see that for what it is, you will not take things they do so personally. When you remove yourself from the situation and see it for what it is, it becomes easier to accept not having closure.