Gaslighting & Reactive Abuse

Gaslighting and reactive abuse are very important topics to know and understand.

So just what is reactive abuse?

It’s basically when you react to abuse. When you react to gaslighting, manipulation, the silent treatment or other abusive tactics, the way you react to it is reactive abuse. How you handle yourself is why it’s called reactive abuse. If someone is giving you abuse and you react to it in a negative way — passive aggressively, yelling, giving the silent treatment, being emotionally reactive, guilt, shame — all of these things are the same stuff the abuser is giving you.

This is reactive abuse.

You received abuse and instead of handling it yourself with self soothing and self parenting, your wound or insecurity was triggered and you then reacted negatively. It’s important to remember that the way you react can be abuse, as well.

It’s very important to learn the difference between reacting and responding. A lot of the reason people throw things at you is because of their own defense mechanism in order to get what they want or to handle their own emotions. Not being able to handle your own emotions also is a symptom of not getting what you want.

They may lay it on thicker to get a reaction from you because your reaction will justify in their mind that you are the problem or the crazy one. Although they lit the fire, they will not own up to their part and will make you look like the problem in the situation. This will all justify in their own head their initial abusive behavior.

Basically, it all boils down to this - they started the abuse, you reacted to it, and they make you out to be the problem. They are manipulating the situation and gaslighting you. They will deny they did or said anything wrong or they will say it wasn’t as bad as you are remembering it to be.

You have to really know your audience and the people around you, and notice how certain people trigger you and notice if they are triggering an insecurity. Not every person will get a reaction out of you. When you are around a specific person and you don’t feel like yourself, and are not acting how you normally do, you have to understand who this person is and why they are acting the way they are.

The only way to change a behavior is to know that you have it and notice when it’s happening. If you know every time you are around a specific person and they say something that triggers you to get so angry that you want to react, that’s where you have to stop in your tracks and learn how to respond in a healthy way.

A big part of responding verses reacting is understanding that when you want to react to something, you just need to disengage and get yourself out of the situation to handle your own emotions. While this takes practice and time to master, it's necessary to do. Sometimes you just have to leave the situation and interaction, and that doesn't make you weak. It actually helps to build a muscle so the next time it happens, you will handle the situation differently.

Another thing to always keep in mind is you must stop taking what a person says or does personally as a reflection of your own self worth. Once you fully understand this, it’s a game changer.

Remember that the reason people do things like gaslighting is because it is a defense mechanism. This person is banking on your reaction. If you have an ego, this is a great time to use it for good. Do not let someone get what they want out of you. That's why removing yourself is so important. You do not need to be in an unhealthy environment where your energy will be drained. Learning how to get control of your head will determine everything in your life.

When you become reactive, you are justifying this person's behavior. They will crumble if you stay in control and stay calm. There will be no wondering why they are thinking this or why they are going this to you. You'll be in your bubble and not letting them trigger you. These are essential life skills to learn.

It's human nature to react and takes a huge amount of self control to learn how to respond instead. If you are working hard on yourself, you can't let one person take that away from you. If you are trying to manifest anything into your life, you need to stay at a high vibration, so do not let an unhealthy person have a negative affect on you. If you have an ego, use it for good and do not let anyone have control over you. If you're broken, you will engage with this person and fight back, but if you are healthy you will let that unhealthy stuff bounce right off of you