Narcissistic Takers: You Love Them, They Devalue You
Sep 16, 2024
There are givers and takers in this world, and when you're involved with someone who’s narcissistic, you're unequivocally with a taker. Narcissists don't know how to give love genuinely and without strings attached; there's always a hidden motive behind their actions.
Looking back on a past relationship, I noticed a pattern where every time I received something special or experienced a romantic gesture, it was quickly followed by a social obligation he "had" to attend. It became clear that nothing he did was out of the goodness of his heart; it was all to keep me satisfied just enough so he could later do what he wanted.
The issues were complicated: First, I didn't recognize this manipulation as it was happening because he was giving me "more" than my previous partners. Second, I love to give and take care of someone, but my way of giving love didn't align with how he wanted to receive it. My excessive giving wasn’t healthy, but I didn't realize that at the time. I thought I was being kind, but in reality, I was programmed to focus on others rather than myself.
When you start giving so much, the narcissist realizes you're hooked (to you, it feels like love), and that's when the devaluation begins. They become condescending, talk down to you, ignore you, dismiss your feelings, show no affection, and embarrass you. In my case, the devaluation manifested as emotional shutdown.
He never wanted to be near me, creating an emotionless relationship where he became increasingly short with me. Naturally, I wondered, “What did I do wrong?” and tried to be better, kinder, gentler, and even more of a giver—exactly what they want.
The intensity of this behavior grows because narcissists fear intimacy. They fear working on themselves or taking ownership of their actions. They don’t want emotional connection; they want you as an employee—someone to do things for them. There is no soulmate or real connection in their world.
I genuinely thought I was with my soulmate, and when he began to pull away and make me feel unloved, it triggered my abandonment wound. I couldn’t figure out what I did to make him change, leading to self-doubt and confusion. This is the essence of gaslighting—making you think you are the problem because they never own their faults.
Narcissists don’t seek emotional closeness; they seek material or superficial gain. They want you to overlook their faults, not hold them accountable, and sometimes, treating you poorly serves as an ego boost or validation. The more they hurt you, the more you try to please them.
Understanding that you're not supposed to give everything and receive nothing in return is crucial. It's also vital to recognize that you're dealing with an unhealthy person. Here’s what I learned about pulling back in a healthy way:
- Boundaries: Establish and Maintain Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are essential when dealing with a narcissist. These are not just physical boundaries but emotional ones too. It's important to define what behaviors are unacceptable and enforce those limits. Narcissists tend to test boundaries regularly, so be prepared to stand firm even when it's uncomfortable. Consistently maintaining these boundaries can help protect your emotional well-being and prevent the manipulation that often occurs when boundaries are blurred.
- Standards: Set High Standards for How You Expect to Be Treated
Setting high standards for how you expect to be treated is about knowing your worth. Narcissists often erode your self-esteem by making you feel like your standards are unreasonable or unattainable. Don’t lower your expectations to accommodate someone who won’t meet them. Instead, hold firm to the belief that you deserve respect, care, and genuine affection. By maintaining high standards, you signal that you won’t settle for less than you deserve.
- Prioritize Your Own Needs: Focus on Your Well-being and Self-Care
Narcissistic relationships often revolve around meeting the other person’s needs while your own are neglected. Shifting the focus to yourself is a critical part of healing. Self-care includes taking time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Prioritizing your needs doesn’t mean you’re selfish; it means you understand that you can’t pour from an empty cup. When you take care of yourself, you build the strength needed to navigate or exit unhealthy dynamics.
- Share Your Feelings: Communicate Your Expectations and Concerns Honestly
Being able to express how you feel is essential in any relationship. With narcissists, this can be challenging because they often dismiss your emotions or invalidate your concerns. However, clear communication is still important. Even if the narcissist doesn’t respond positively, sharing your feelings helps you stay true to yourself. This also gives you insight into whether the relationship can grow or if the other person refuses to acknowledge your emotional needs.
- Recognize Red Flags: Be Vigilant About Signs of Manipulation and Control
Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and their tactics often go unnoticed until you're deeply entrenched in the relationship. Some red flags include love-bombing (overwhelming you with affection early on), gaslighting (making you doubt your reality), or constant criticism disguised as "help." By staying vigilant and learning to spot these behaviors early, you can protect yourself from emotional manipulation and regain control over your life.
- Maintain Independence: Keep Your Sense of Self and Independence Intact
Narcissists often seek to control or consume their partner’s identity, leading you to feel lost or codependent. Maintaining your independence means continuing to do things that bring you joy and fulfillment, separate from the relationship. Keep your hobbies, friendships, and passions alive. Independence creates a buffer, reminding you that your life has meaning and value outside of the narcissist’s influence.
- Know When to Walk Away: Understand That Leaving an Unhealthy Relationship is Necessary for Your Emotional Health
Leaving a narcissist can be one of the hardest decisions you'll make, but it's often the healthiest. A narcissist rarely changes, and staying in such a relationship can cause lasting emotional damage. Learning to recognize when it’s time to leave, despite the fear of being alone or starting over, is vital for your healing. Walking away may feel painful in the short term, but in the long term, it is an act of self-love and preservation.
Loving a narcissist often leads to a cycle of devaluation and emotional pain. It's essential to recognize this pattern, set boundaries, and prioritize your own needs to break free and heal.