They are jealous of you, and you don’t realize it
May 24, 2024
Have you ever been triggered by someone? Ok, stupid question of course you have, we all have. But did you know that most of the time someone is triggering you because they are in fact jealous of you.
You are triggering them in some way and because of that they say something or do something that stings. This then takes you down and you begin reacting to what they did to you. Instead of seeing that, you become reactive to the trigger.
First you want to ask yourself do you have something they don’t?
- Are you in a relationship and they aren’t?
- Do you have kids and they want kids?
- Are you successful and they aren’t yet?
- Do you have money and they are struggling?
- Are you a great mom?
- Are you in shape?
What do you have that they don’t? This is not an ego vanity thing this is you just being honest because there are things that you have that they don’t.
I had a client the other day whose mother-in-law is not the nicest. She hasn’t always been the greatest mother at times and when she is around my client her fake, condensing comments start coming out. Why would this woman be picking apart my client when she is a kind and loving woman to her son and grandkids, that’s because my client triggers her.
I have a person in my life where everything is a competition. They always have to make sure everyone sees them too or tries to out do me at every turn. I used to be triggered by this and it would get me so annoyed, until I realized what was happening. I was triggering them because they felt insecure. That right there stopped allowing me to take what they were doing personally and started responding to their behavior instead of getting annoyed by it.
Jealousy is always rooted in that person’s own level of insecurity. Their insecurity may not be about you specifically, but it would be about something that person has done in the past, that they feel shame or guilt about.
I think most people are triggered by these people who are in fact jealous and insecure themselves which in turn makes you victim insecure or reactive to them. So the cycle repeats itself. You have one wounded person triggering another wounded person and they go around and around the hamster wheel.
You want to get off the wheel. You don’t want to be reactive, emotionally charged or even angry for too long. It’s a little unrealistic to never be anger by this person because what they are doing is annoying.
- Downplaying your success.
- Being fake.
- Talking about you behind your back.
- Being passive-aggressive.
- Being overly critical.
- Never seem excited about what you’re doing.
- Feeling in competition with them.
- Try to get the attention away from you.
- Make negative comments to you.
The important thing to remember is that this person is most likely not aware they are envious of or jealous of you. They do not know they have this wound inside of themselves that is causing this behavior. What they do know is that they feel uncomfortable. This uncomfortable feeling causes them to go into attack mode.
Here is what I do want you to do because I know a lot of you cannot escape this person and you’re tired of being triggered by them.
- Don’t retaliate! We are not going down to their level and trying to hurt them and make a snide comment because they said something unkind. You can’t set boundaries, but we don’t want to retaliate with the same insecure energy as the other person.
- Stop seeing what they are doing as an attack. Once you stop seeing what they are doing or saying as a person attack you will never be emotionally charged. You might be here and there because you’re human but you’re not living in there for too long. Instead, what I want you to do is stop and take a step back and understand why they are doing what they are doing and no it’s not because they hate you, it’s because they are wounded and insecure.
- Unpack the story in your mind. There is a story you’ve created in your mind about what they are doing and why they are doing it. The reason why it’s important to unpack this story is because this story is causing you to be emotionally charged.
If you start to break this down this person feels something uncomfortable which has nothing to do with you, they react and that reaction causes you to be triggered. Crazy, huh?? It’s crazy how fast this all goes and how we don’t even realize what is happening we’re just so reactive to what is happening.
Now I know each situation is different and I wish I could sit with each of you and break down these triggers but I want you to be on your coach hats for a minute and see what is happening from the outside. That can be hard to do when you are calling your best friend or sister who already hates this person or is upset that you’re upset and just want to have your back. That person also may not be able to see what is really happening and even unpack the stories you have created about this person.
Sometimes it takes talking to an outside person so you can gain that level of perspective and even once you get it you may still not be able to handle the answer. And that’s ok! You’re a work in progress.
