Why a Narcissist Does NOT Hoover

Jul 05, 2020

If you are just coming out of a relationship with someone who you think might have NPD, I am sure your head is spinning. You are most likely reading articles and watching videos trying to make sense of what you are going through.

Since you know nothing about narcissism or what you have been dealing with, this whole process can be hard to grasp and even hurtful.

The first thing to remember when you are dealing with hoovering from an abuser is that you were not in a healthy relationship.

Normal healthy relationships do not end the byways of cheating or lying. You do not experience manipulation, gaslighting, verbal abuse, insults, passive-aggressive behavior, silent treatments, or someone praising you regularly only to start tearing you down the next day.

Yes, people fall out of love, and relationships can fall apart, but even semi-healthy relationships do not go from 0–60. You do not see prince charming one day and then are faced with a monster the next.

As you are coming out of this relationship, you need to understand that what you were feeling is not what the other person was feeling. That itself is a hard and hurtful pill to swallow. The relationship you were in was not the same relationship the other person was in.
The term hoovering is a fancy word for “let me attempt a few gestures to see if you will let me abuse you more.”

This next part is essential for you to understand. None of the reasons why a narcissist will hoover has anything to do with you. It is not about you being pretty enough or a good enough partner. It is not about you saying all the right things. It is not about them finally seeing your value and the error in their ways. The reason for a hoover is merely to see will YOU will give the narcissist what they want.

Hoovering can be a toxic or abusive ex wanting to be friends after a breakup. They could have treated you poorly and abused you during the relationship, showing you all the signs that they do not value you, all to want to stay in your life after the relationship ends.
Does that make sense? NO, and there is a reason for this madness.

The hoovering technique is a method an abuser will use to lure the victim back into the cycle of abuse. They could send an innocent text message just wanting to say “hi.” They could want to see how you are doing. They could call, leave voicemail message letting you know that they miss you and your friendship. They could accidentally run into you somewhere. All of these attempts are to get back into your psyche. To make you wonder, to get you thinking and pondering, “What went wrong? Could this relationship work out?”

Unfortunately, if you were left or even if you did the leaving, you could have experienced something called a “trauma bond.” Trauma bonding happens when you have been in a situation where abuse was a continuous thing. Not only was abuse a reoccurrence in your relationship, but you were also both rewarded and punished throughout the abuse. This form of praise then punishment hooks someone with low self-esteem and severe emotional wounds in with an abuser.

If you are dependent on someone filling you up and giving you all of the things you should first give yourself (praise, validation, love, and approval), then when you do get what you need, you are hooked onto someone giving them for you.

This person becomes your source of living.

Since you have now given someone that much control over you when they abuse you, you will also internalize what they are doing or saying as something being wrong with you. If you are praised, then punished and abused, and this is the cycle you know, then you are unknowingly growing an attachment to this cycle.

You are addicted to the pain, and in need of the high, you are getting or hope you will get when the abuser comes back around with the reward.

You are being conditioned to think not only do you deserve the abuse, but you also live with the hope that you will get back what you once had, the praise, love, approval, etc.