Why Do Some People Never Move on After a Narcissistic Breakup?
Jul 29, 2024
Let's set the record straight—this is not easy. Getting over anyone is hard. We get hurt when someone doesn’t call us back or ask us out, so someone no longer wanting to be with you is hurtful. Multiply that feeling by 1,000, and that’s what it feels like to be with a narcissist and then end a relationship with them. I know what you’re going through because I’ve been there.
There are reasons why some people move on and others stay stuck, and today I want to shed some light on the things you’re probably doing that are hurting you from moving on. I want you to read this and be honest with yourself about where you’re struggling.
You Still Think They Were the Love of Your Life
I know for me, where I struggled was thinking this person was the love of my life, my soulmate. I know this is painful to hear (it was hard for me to come to this realization), but they weren’t. Healthy, real love doesn’t end, especially not in the way most narcissistic relationships do. This wasn’t about love; this was about trauma—for both of you. You’re trying to break the pattern (them, not so much).
You’re Still Being Manipulated
What hurts a lot of people is they still think this person is a catch. They can’t see past the persona or the character this person plays to really see who they are. Remember, you’re dealing with a master manipulator.
Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience cognitive dissonance, where they struggle to see that one minute, their partner is Prince Charming, and the next, they are abusive. They cannot see the love bombing because their inner child/ego is too busy eating it up, and they cannot see the abuse because they are uneducated, or the abuse is too familiar.
You’re Blaming Yourself for Everything
I hear A LOT of people over the years stay stuck blaming themselves. “I messed things up.” “I shouldn’t have done that.” We all make mistakes in relationships because we’re human, but nothing you did or didn’t do warranted their behavior. You will never be good enough for a wounded person looking for flaws so they can run.
If you’re dealing with a true narcissist, you’re not dealing with someone who wants to be self-reflective and own their part in the relationship. They are not asking themselves what they could have done wrong to prevent this breakup or what they needed to heal to have the relationship they say they wanted.
This is especially true when you are the one broken up with. Here come all the “What did I do wrong?” questions. Some of that is normal and healthy because you’re being introspective and want to grow. But it becomes unhealthy when you constantly focus on yourself and never on the other person. You could do this because you’ve been gaslit and abused for so long that you were made to feel like you were the problem. You could suffer from low self-esteem, and it’s just a habit to go within first.
You Relied Too Much on Them—in Unhealthy Ways
When you are wounded, you are looking for someone to “save you.” You are desperately looking for love, validation, attention, admiration, praise—someone to tell you that you’re good enough. The key here is desperate. We become desperate when we do not have something and need it. Why do we need it so badly? Because we are still trying to heal that old wound and never learned to do these things for ourselves. We are still living as the little child who just wants someone to see us and love us.
If you had been healed, you would have been giving those things to yourself and would have looked for someone who was at your level of giving those things, meaning your standards would have been higher. What you give to yourself is what you will accept in return. Right away, you would have seen that they are not capable of giving you what you want.
You’re Still Unhealed
When you’re still unhealed, you cannot see that you are playing out your wounds. You also cannot see that you are trauma-bonded to them. The low standards are not obvious, and the red flags go out the door.
Moving on from a narcissistic breakup is requires a lot of work, but understanding these reasons can be a step toward healing. It’s important to be kind to yourself during this process and seek support from those who understand what you’re going through. Remember, healing is possible, and you deserve a healthy, loving relationship.
