Why You Can't Trust Men: Moving On from Past Trauma
Nov 20, 2024
Why You Can't Trust Men: Moving On from Past Trauma
Trusting men after experiencing disappointment or betrayal can feel impossible for some women. Whether it's the result of repeated heartbreaks or one major betrayal, many women carry deep emotional scars that make it difficult to open up and trust again. Let’s look at two common scenarios of women who struggle with trust issues after past traumas.
Scenario 1: The Woman Disappointed by Every Man
This woman has been let down by every man she's ever known, starting with her father. Her father failed to provide the love, care, and protection she needed, setting the stage for a lifetime of disappointment with other men. Every romantic relationship she’s had seems to follow the same pattern, reinforcing her belief that men cannot be trusted.
Scenario 2: The Woman Traumatized by One Major Betrayal
In contrast, the second woman experienced a single, significant betrayal that broke her. Whether it was infidelity, abandonment, or emotional manipulation, this one event shattered her trust in men forever. Despite having had positive experiences with men before, this one act of betrayal has left her emotionally scarred and unable to move on.
Both women, despite their different experiences, now face similar struggles:
- They feel constantly on guard, unable to relax, even when alone.
- Their sense of safety has been compromised, leaving them with anxiety and trouble sleeping.
- They may overreact to seemingly minor situations because they feel threatened or unsafe.
- Their nervous systems are hyper-alert, easily startled, and in a constant state of stress.
These are the classic signs of someone who did not feel protected or safe for an extended period of time. The men in their lives either failed to protect them or actively harmed them, leaving these women with deep wounds.
How Trauma Manifests in Relationships
Both women’s trauma has led to severe attachment issues. They now struggle with cognitive dissonance when it comes to relationships. On one hand, they may believe love should be safe, secure, and nurturing. On the other hand, their personal experiences have taught them the opposite—that love is unreliable, and men are dangerous. This internal conflict leaves them confused about what to expect from future relationships.
The first woman’s story may be easier to understand. She’s been let down by men her entire life, including her father. Her trauma is longstanding, and her lack of trust is deeply ingrained.
The second woman may have grown up with a father who did show up for her, yet she still struggles to trust men. This type of wound comes from traumatic programming—perhaps from romantic partners later in life. Her lack of healthy self-talk and self-worth leads her to pick unhealthy, even toxic, partners in an effort to feel "good enough." This makes her an easy target for narcissistic abuse.
In either case, these women are often unknowingly searching for a man to make them feel worthy—something no one outside of themselves can do. They may become hyper-independent, closing themselves off from love altogether, or they may end up in unhealthy relationships, waiting for a man to save them.
Real-Life Examples of Trauma in Relationships
Picture a woman who seems to have it all—a loving relationship, marriage, and a child. Then, out of nowhere, her husband cheats on her. She had no warning signs, no reason to suspect him, and the betrayal comes as a complete shock. After this, she shuts down emotionally. She withdraws from others and builds thick walls around her heart, vowing never to trust again.
Now imagine another woman who falls for a man who is incredibly charming—so much so that she believes he is her soulmate. But over time, his behavior changes. He becomes distant, cold, and emotionally abusive. She clings to the memory of who he used to be, excusing his behavior and ignoring the red flags. Eventually, she loses herself in the relationship, sacrificing her identity to please him.
Both women have a few things in common:
- They never learned healthy relationship dynamics: They entered relationships without knowing what a healthy partnership looks like. As a result, they fell into toxic patterns without realizing it.
- They lost themselves in love: Blinded by emotion, both women failed to see the logical side of choosing a partner. Healthy relationships require both emotional and logical thinking, but these women were too wrapped up in their feelings to make sound decisions.
The Father Wound
For many women, the inability to trust men starts with their relationship with their father. If their father was absent, neglectful, or abusive, they carry that wound into adulthood, searching for a man to fill that void. But without healing, this leads to disappointment after disappointment, reinforcing their belief that men will always let them down.
Moving Forward: Rebuilding Trust and Self-Worth
The key to moving on from this type of trauma lies in rebuilding self-worth and learning how to trust again. Healing from the "father wound" or from a major betrayal requires deep inner work. Women must learn to develop a healthy inner dialogue and recognize their worth outside of any relationship. Only by doing this can they begin to trust men—and themselves—again.
Whether you’ve been let down by every man or suffered one major betrayal, healing is possible. It starts with understanding how your past has shaped your beliefs about relationships and working to rewire those patterns. Trust can be rebuilt, but it starts from within.