You Can Miss Someone and Still Know They Weren’t Good for You
Feb 02, 2026
Missing someone does not mean you made the wrong decision. This is one of the hardest truths to accept when you are healing from a relationship that was not healthy. We often assume that if we feel a deep ache for someone’s presence, it must be a sign that we belong together. We treat our longing like a compass, but in the aftermath of a toxic or high conflict relationship, that compass is often broken.
The Distinction Between Love and Compatibility
You can miss the connection, the routine, the comfort, or even the version of yourself you were with them while still acknowledging that the relationship did not support your growth. It is possible to love someone deeply and still recognize that their presence in your life is destructive. Love is an emotion, but a relationship is a partnership that requires shared values, safety, and respect. When those pillars are missing, love alone is not enough to sustain a healthy life.
Why the Nervous System Craves the Past
The nervous system craves familiarity even when that familiarity came with pain. That is why letting go can feel so incredibly confusing. If you spent years in a cycle of high highs and low lows, your body became accustomed to a certain level of intensity. Peace can actually feel boring or even threatening to a nervous system that is used to chaos.
Your heart and your logic may not be aligned yet, and that is perfectly okay. The feeling of missing them is simply a memory in your body. It is not a directive to pick up the phone. It is not proof that they were the one. It is just proof that you are a human being who is capable of deep attachment.
Choosing Peace Over Relief
Healing is learning to tolerate the discomfort of missing someone without using it as a reason to go back. It is about choosing long term peace over short term relief. Reaching out to an unhealthy ex might stop the ache for an hour or a day, but it will eventually reset the clock on your healing.
When you feel that wave of longing, remind yourself that you are missing a fantasy or a highlight reel, not the daily reality of how they actually treated you. You are allowed to grieve the good parts while staying firm in your decision to leave the bad parts behind.
Honoring Your Truth
You do not need to demonize the other person or turn them into a monster to justify your departure. You do not need to prove they were a villain in order to move on. You just need to honor what is true for you now.
Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is hold two conflicting truths at once. You can say, I love them and I miss them, and also say, I cannot be with them and stay whole. Moving on is not about the absence of feeling; it is about the presence of self respect.
