You’re Allowed to Put Yourself First
Sep 01, 2025
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that putting ourselves first is selfish. That thinking about our needs, our energy, our goals especially as women is wrong or makes us a “bad person.” But here’s the truth: putting yourself first is not selfish. It’s self-respect. It’s survival. It’s how you start building the life you actually want to live.
When you’ve spent years taking care of everyone else, prioritizing other people’s feelings, and managing everyone else’s comfort, the idea of choosing you can feel foreign. Even uncomfortable. But learning to put yourself first is one of the biggest confidence builders. It’s how you rewire your identity and reconnect to your power.
Why You Struggle to Put Yourself First
Let’s start by being honest: this isn’t just about being “too nice.” The tendency to ignore your needs and overextend yourself comes from old programming. Maybe you were raised to believe your job was to be “the good girl,” the peacemaker, the one who holds everything together. Maybe you were taught that love is earned through sacrifice. Maybe you grew up with parents or caregivers who made you feel responsible for their happiness. Whatever the root is, it trained your nervous system to be hyper-focused on others and disconnected from yourself.
That’s not your fault. But now that you’re aware of it, it’s your responsibility to change it.
Start Noticing Where You Disappear
Putting yourself first starts with awareness. Where in your life are you constantly abandoning yourself? This could look like:
Saying yes when you want to say no
Overcommitting your time and energy
Ignoring your own feelings to keep the peace
Being afraid to ask for what you need
Feeling guilty when you rest or do something for yourself
When you start noticing these patterns, don’t shame yourself. Just get curious. You’ve been living this way for a long time. Changing it takes practice.
Reconnect With What You Want
You can’t put yourself first if you don’t know what you even want or need. A lot of women I coach get stuck here. They say, “I don’t know what I want anymore.” That’s normal when you’ve spent years making decisions based on everyone else.
This is the time to turn inward. Start small. Ask yourself each day:
What would feel good to me today?
What do I need more of in my life?
Where am I pretending to be okay when I’m not?
Journaling can help. Quiet mornings can help. Slowing down and paying attention to your thoughts and emotions can help. You have to relearn how to listen to you again.
Set the Boundary Without the Apology
One of the quickest ways to put yourself first is to say no without guilt. To honor your limits without explaining them away. Boundaries are not walls. They’re not about being mean. They are about saying, “This is what I’m available for, and this is what I’m not.”
A strong boundary sounds like:
“I can’t do that this weekend.”
“I’m not available for this conversation right now.”
“I’m going to focus on myself tonight instead.”
You don’t need to justify your decisions. You don’t need everyone to understand. Putting yourself first means being okay with the fact that some people won’t like it and choosing you anyway.
Get Used to Discomfort
Putting yourself first will feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means it’s new. When you’re used to people-pleasing, choosing yourself will trigger guilt. When you’re used to self-sacrifice, resting will feel lazy. When you’re used to abandoning yourself, self-respect will feel unnatural.
You’re going to want to go back to your old ways. You’re going to have people test your boundaries. You might even have some people fall away. Let them. That’s how you make room for new energy to enter your life.
Confidence grows every time you choose the discomfort of growth over the comfort of self-betrayal.
Remember Why This Matters
This isn’t about becoming cold or shutting people out. This is about building a life where you feel aligned, powerful, and safe in your own skin. Where your needs matter. Where you’re not pouring from an empty cup.
Putting yourself first is how you teach your inner child that she is safe now. That her feelings and needs are valid. That her voice matters.
It’s how you build a life that reflects who you truly are not the version of you that everyone else needed.
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to rest, to ask for more, to change your mind. You’re allowed to make yourself a priority.
Because when you do, everything else in your life starts to shift. You stop attracting situations that drain you. You stop settling for crumbs. You start creating from a place of peace and self-trust.
The version of you who puts herself first isn’t cold. She’s clear. She’s grounded. She’s strong. And she knows her worth.
