Your Relationship with the Narcissist is an Illusion

emotional abuse narcissist Aug 20, 2021

Every person that has been in a relationship with somebody who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will typically experience the same stages as any other partner. When the narcissist gets a new partner, it is only a matter of time before those stages begin. Most people obsess and question if their ex has changed and if they will be happy with their new partner. However, the real question is, who is the new partner and when will the narcissist expose themselves?  



Not everyone is you and therefore not everyone thinks and feels the way you do. The narcissist’s new partner might have lower standards. They may require less and be okay with what the narcissist is giving them. They have their own insecurities, wounds and triggers that cause them to be who they are. They are not you. 



Remember that this person will NEVER change. They may act different from person to person, but the core of who they are, their character, will remain the same. Will they cheat again? Maybe, maybe not. But will they devalue? Yes. Will they manipulate? Yes. Will they gaslight the next person? Yes.  

What they get from their new partner will determine when they expose their true self, but the abuse will still be there because that is how they have learned to operate in the world. They are not healthy.  



Every narcissist will idealize, devalue, and discard.

However, each phase might look different from person to person. 

The idealize phase is all about making you feel like you are special and making you feel like the narcissist is the person you’ve been searching for. They essentially give you a honeymoon phase and it doesn’t fade until you begin to fall in love with them or trust them.  

Once love and trust become a factor in your relationship, the abuse will begin. If you are not emotionally and mentally healthy, you will likely ignore the red flags and the abuse will go unnoticed. Narcissists eventually will devalue their partner no matter what – but that does not mean they will leave. They may still stay if staying benefits them.  

The illusion is that this person is a great catch. The illusion is how they present themselves and their life to the world. None of it is real because this person has an inability to have relationships with other people. Everything is literally about what they will get out of every situation. That is why a lot of people in power or salespeople are narcissistic.   

There is always a me and never a we mentally with this person. They might pretend, but it will always resort back to what are they getting out of the situation. It is the me mentality and the aspect of power and control that drives them. With that you can never be equals to this person because they need to feel superior to you.   


When you’ve been in a long-term relationship with this person and have experienced all the phases of abuse, (idealize, devalue and discard) it is hard to see the illusion you were in. It is painful. The love bombing and idealizing that you received, the way they made you feel at times, was all a tool to build themselves up as your ideal and then abuse you. It is in the abuse that they are trying to change you into what they need you to be and if you do not obey you will be discarded.  

That is why educating yourself on this is essential because without this knowledge you will not understand what happened to you and you will take the discard and the devaluing personally and keep feeding the stories.